Welcome back to another action packed episode of the Naked Conspiracy.
I have decided to share with y’all my favourite creatures from worlds beyond our own.
Number 5: Crop circles
Imagine Aliens travelling across the emptiness of space and deciding the best use of their time is to graffiti some poor farmers crop on Earth. The farmers that have their crops tagged can get pretty pissed and I can understand why. It’s hard enough working on your farm all day, planning for bad weather and rough seasons without someone coming along and flattening half of your harvest with a cryptic picture. It doesn’t matter if those people were Aliens or humans creating an elaborate hoax; you would be pissed.
Sure there are stories of hoaxers using planks of wood and a bit of string to MacGyver these works of art, but there are far more stories from researchers in the field with eyewitness accounts of UFO activity preceding the discovery of a new circle, with strange energy readings and radiation recorded around a newly formed design.
One thing I don’t understand is why Aliens – if they are the creators – would make a picture only visible by air to a species that is primarily land based? Maybe they are trying to encourage us to join them in the exploration of space?
Fear Factor: Not that scary (except for that movie Signs)
Crop circles are the least threatening out of all know Alien encounters. You will be glad when you wake up in the morning and the answer to “Last night Aliens came and blankety-blank in my blank” is – drew circles in my field. This being said, crop circles are the footprints found the day after a UFO visitation. Who knows what catastrophically horrific things happened the night before…
Number 4: Ebani
Ebanis are not a commonly discussed type of UFO, it’s probably because they are in between a head trip and bat-fucking-crazy!
Ebani is an acronym for: Entidad Biological Anomalous No Identificada, or in English: Unidentified Anomalous Biological Entity. If these things were seen by people in biblical times, I could see how they could mistake them for Angles. If scientists ever end up explaining that these things are molecules in the gas of the air currents (or something closer to actual science) I will still be asking them to prove they are not angels.
Fear Factor: That shit can’t be real, I would know if these things existed (Too scary for most people)
Ebanis are huuuge in Mexico (UFO’s in general are more culturally accepted there). Mostly people just look up and wonder at these things. Personally, I think seeing one in the sky would be life changing.
Number 3: Yowie
The Australian Yowie’s roots come from the Bunyip, an Aboriginal mythological creature. A Yowie is the Australian version of a Bigfoot with the majority of modern sightings coming from a small town in Queensland called Kilcoy. Some people say that the Yowie’s roots come from the Bunyip, an Aboriginal mythological creature. The stories of Bunyips come from the people living near rivers in NSW and Victoria. They are described as a hippopotamus sized, crocodile faced, horned creature with dark hair and flippers.
The Yowie has the typical Bigfoot description of a 10-foot naked hairy man. I personally don’t see the connection between the two. Yowies are never described as creatures from outer space, but I am including them in this list because one of the definitions of “Alieum” is ‘unfamiliar and disturbing’. These beasts are out of this world and I always keep an eye out for them. They are as true blue as Australian’s come, and it would not surprise me if there is a lost Crocodile Hunter episode where Steve sights one in the wild and they become friends. Also, the shower in my apartment looks like it was built to bathe an adolescence Sasquatch. I am fairly confident that I could successfully raise a Yowie into adulthood.
Fear factor: About as afraid as Australians should be, if they were less comfortable being surrounded by things that wanted to kill them.
Modern stories of the Yowie normally start with people shooting at them before they are hunted by the creatures themselves. It’s almost like Yowies only start being curious of humans after being shot at with high powered rifles. That being said, all the animals in Australia are terrifying. Before I moved here I was scared of the spiders and snakes, no one told me that the bird life will hunt and attack you too. Australians don’t really celebrate Halloween, I believe it’s because every day in Australia is All Hallows’ Eve.
Number 2: NightCrawler
No no, not the teleporting X-Man unfortunately. Nightcrawlers (or the Fresno Alien) have two legs and a head. That’s it! Ghostly white, they are normally seen and documented walking through grassy areas in California. Understandably people dismiss them as white trousers being puppeted by hoaxers.
Since this is second place in my Top Five Alieums list, I am also throwing in the less documented urban legends of Nightcrawlers which is pretty much any aliens that crawls. Think of the aliens from the movie Alien, Skitters from the TV show Falling Skies or the bugs from Starship Troopers.
Fear Factor: Nope!
A big Fuck Off to a bear-sized creature scuttling through the night. I would need more than armor, a gun and “citizenship” for me to confront an Alien were-bug. That being said, Fresno Alien, you are spooky but we can be friends. If I saw one crossing my lawn I would run out and try to communicate with it. I may lose 2 or 3 days and the use of my arms, but these guys are far too interesting to ignore.
Number 1: UFH
Unidentified Flying Humanoid, easy description for this one: Goku.
The most famous UFH is “Mothman”, you may remember Richard Gere’s stunning performance in the film The Mothman Prophecies. There seems to be a connection between Mothman sightings and disasters, meaning when you see one of these things it won’t be the worst part of your day; things are going to rapidly get worse.
Check these videos out:
Fear Factor: Better start wishing on some dragon balls.
For Mexican cops to be that scared you can tell that these Alieums do not come in peace. Just think about all the drug cartels operating in Mexico. Mexican cops are hardcore shoot-first types, and this thing was busting through his windshield. Could the UFH be mythological Valkyrie? Taking the bravest of the fallen to Valhalla. We should probably start preparing to battle these E.Ts, maybe some surface to air harpoons or tiny nets.